


The Art of Drowning

by Artemis1000



Series: The Art of Compromise [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: After the Happy Ending, Codependency, Compromise, Getting Back Together, M/M, Redemption is a wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing, The Dark Side of the Force, Unhealthy Relationships, coming back from the dark side is not as neat and straightforward as hoped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-10 09:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7839286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis1000/pseuds/Artemis1000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You still use the Dark Side.”</p><p>“Were you expecting me to stop?”</p><p>Poe’s new life with Kylo Ren would be perfect, if he could ignore the cracks in their glossy façade. It’s all coming to a head during a mission, when he can no longer turn a blind eye to the darkness that lingers in Kylo. Sometimes Poe wonders if he’s drowning in it, but life's got to go on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Happy Endings All Around and Still They Haunt Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the second part of what I'm tentatively considering a trilogy.
> 
> While "Falling" was an introspective piece, this one is a little bit more action-focused. We'll be exploring Poe and Kylo's relationship several months after they got back together in "Falling." You don't need to read the first part to understand this story.

_I’m drowning in you…_

 

Sometimes it wasn’t readily apparent, but Poe knew that Kylo Ren wasn’t, as such, redeemed.

He answered to Ben Solo though he still preferred his chosen name – except from Poe, who he insisted call him only by his new name. He carried a green Jedi lightsaber and wore the robes of a Jedi Knight – he wore them well, Poe liked to rip them off.

To the world at large, the black sheep had returned home.

Poe knew better.

He could tell from the way Kylo would look at him sometimes with cold, hard eyes which showed possessiveness when he spoke words of love, or in his touch – always passionate, but sometimes his desperate passion left bruises in its wake, and Poe had come to understand that anger and violence still simmered within him, they just didn’t have an outlet any longer. Poe tried not to picture the fallout when – when, not if – his self-control snapped.

There was more, more damning evidence, but Poe Dameron was nothing if not a good soldier; he knew how to turn a blind eye to things which were not allowed to exist. Nobody could fight a war for long without getting their hands dirty.

 _I love you_ passed Poe’s lips easier with every day, and soon it didn’t feel anymore like he was cheating on the good boy he had once loved with the man who killed this boy. He didn’t flinch anymore when Kylo loomed over him, though he knew deep down that had more to do with the lack of black robes and mask than with newfound trust in his lover. He may love Kylo Ren, the Darksider who had returned to him, but he would never forget their ugly reunion. He would never forget what Kylo was capable of when he believed himself justified.

Sometimes when Kylo was at his most insecure or closest to falling apart, Poe had that claustrophobic feeling of _not being alone_ in his own mind. He would tell himself it was nothing but phantom pain and scars. It never took Kylo long to kiss away his fears, and he was so sweet about it, not even getting mad when Poe accused him of reading his mind. He never denied it either.

And throughout it all, he marveled how quickly you could fall back into normalcy after six years. Mere days passed before they moved in together; it was a matter of course. All their ambition and hard work had been geared towards climbing so high they could ask to be stationed on the same planet, and finally live the life they’d wanted since they were boys holding hands on Yavin IV. To not go ahead with it now that they shared not only a planet but a base would have meant admitting that their new bliss was but a sham.

Over dinner Poe would be complaining about Iolo pulling up too slow or Testor hogging the comm with her chatter, or fondly reminisce about the days when he was a simple pilot with no responsibility but to make it out alive and ensure the other guy didn’t. When Kylo mimicked Master Luke’s speeches, he was more scathing in his mockery than Ben had once been, but he had the same complaints as ever about meditation being boring and the no-cheating rules in lightsaber training fostering false expectations of honorable opponents.

Poe still thought of Ben Solo and Kylo Ren as separate people, and sometimes he still found it hard not to think of Kylo Ren as some dark twisted parasite that possessed the body of the man he had once loved.

But despite all his faults and flaws, Poe Dameron loved the man he shared his life with.

Maybe they could have gone on living their lives in blissful denial if it wasn’t for that damned mission.

The moon didn’t have a name, though its hot, humid climate and rain forest vegetation reminded Poe of Yavin IV.

“So,” he said once he hopped down from Black One, flashing Kylo a crooked grin, “it’s just you and me now, lover.” He stretched languidly. “Whatever are we going to do with ourselves?”

BB-8 bleeped its protest, reminding them there were three of them here.

“Exactly what we have been told to do, which is to hunt down the Stormtrooper garrison we share this moon with.”

“Hm. You’re no fun.” Poe squashed his discomfort at Kylo’s choice of words: hunt them down. That wasn’t their objective. General Organa’s orders were break into the research station, get the data and get out.

It wasn’t unusual for Poe to take on black ops missions besides his wing commander duties, and they were the obvious choice for someone with Kylo’s talents. General Organa had probably paired them up as a favor. It was indeed the closest they would come to a romantic get-away, if you didn’t mind your getting-back-together honeymoon sporting explosions, firefights and your boyfriend going on a lightsaber rampage.

Poe had no doubt there would be a lightsaber rampage. He just wished he didn’t have to see it. It would be much harder to turn a blind eye if you were wading in blood.

“Don’t worry, Poe, it won’t be that bad,” Kylo said, and as so often Poe had this dizzying sensation of wondering if Kylo was responding to his thoughts or his body language.

“Let’s go. I’m sure we remained undetected, but I’d rather not risk it.”

Thankfully, Kylo didn’t argue.

They covered their X-Wings with camouflage nets and left the clearing they had landed in for the dense jungle. Progress would have been faster if Kylo could have cut them a path with his lightsaber, but that would have been far too suspicious in case a patrol stumbled upon their tracks.

“I’m feeling hot and sticky, and not in a fun way,” Poe was soon complaining as he pulled his grey shirt away from his chest; it was already glued to his skin from sweat and humidity. Before they left the landing place he’d changed from his orange flightsuit into something that would blend in better on the compound.

Kylo’s scowl was almost cute, Poe wanted to kiss his pinched lips, but that glare of his shot daggers. “No, really?”

Poe snickered. Kylo had left the outer robe behind, but he had to be melting anyway in his overtunic and undertunic, and heavy knee-high boots. “Look on the bright side, you would be even hotter if you still wore black.”

“That’s debatable.”

“Well. If you still wore black I wouldn’t be so keen on getting you out of these robes,” Poe amended. He sighed heavily, and readjusted his grip on his blaster. His hands were sweaty, too. He’d lived half of his life in a climate like this, he felt kind of pathetic for whining about the heat now. “But mission first. I don’t want to get captured while we’re making out.”

Kylo rolled his eyes and used telekinesis to forge them a safe path between bushes with finger-long, vicious thorns. “Call me high maintenance, but I don’t want to get captured at all.”

“Your wish is my command, princess.”

The telekinetic shove was completely expected, and Poe laughed, rolling with it as he let himself fall onto the soft carpet of decaying foliage that covered the ground. He was welcomed by the rich, earthy smell of _home_. There were birds chirping in the trees, a whole army of insects chittering and somewhere far away, monkeys…

The blaster bolt left a big black burn on an ancient mammoth tree, and then there was a whole barrage of shots that followed the first.

“Sorry, princess, hold that thought!” Poe yelped as he scrambled to his feet, already firing back as he dashed for cover behind the giant tree’s trunk. There was a number of electric blue bolts hovering in the air, the only evidence of Kylo’s presence. He could make out five Stormtroopers, though there might be more.

There were flashes of brighter green amidst the greenery of the forest. The bolts released harmlessly.

Poe kept firing until the enemy fell silent.

Kylo’s green blade was still ignited when he stepped back into Poe’s line of view. There was a healthy flush to his pale cheeks.

“You know, I really wish you’d keep using the red saber. This one just isn’t you,” Poe remarked. The robes were one thing, but him holding a saber so much like Luke Skywalker and Rey’s just looked wrong. Actually, Poe wished he hadn’t changed the robes either. It had been hard to bear the sight, and at the time Poe had been relieved by the change, but this wasn’t real change, it was just a masquerade.

Kylo eyed his green blade with furrowed brows. It didn’t crackle and hiss like the red crossguard saber he had built by himself, this one had a smooth, perfect blade. It bore the elegant touch of being created under the guidance of Luke and the deceased Jedi Masters advising him. Faint distaste showed in Kylo’s features. He deactivated his saber and hooked it back onto his belt. “We killed them all,” he said, frown deepening, “now we won’t learn if they reported intruders before they attacked.”

“Does it matter?” Poe asked, shrugging, and hoped Kylo wouldn’t read in his eyes how glad he was. It was important to know, but to watch Kylo tear into someone’s mind… He would rather not. “There’s no way to go but forward either way.”

“I suppose it doesn’t matter.”

After this first skirmish, Kylo was calmer. He didn’t complain about the heat anymore, but his eyes lingered ever so often on Poe. Poe wanted to think of it as him being focused, but when Kylo plucked a large orange flower and tucked it behind Poe’s ear there was no denying that he was more content than he’d been in a good long while.

to be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Chapter 2 will be coming soon bringing you Adventuring and Moar BB-8!


	2. We’re Always Miles Apart Trying to Find Another Place to Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe, Kylo and BB-8, it's time for battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, chapter two! Heroics are awaiting our characters.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos!

Being uncertain if their presence was known, but certain the patrol would soon be missed, they sought to reach the base as quickly as possible.

It was far too soon for Poe, once they caught their first good look at the compound. With its flat, grey buildings surrounded by high fences it stuck out like a sore thumb even in the fading light of dusk.

“Two guards patrolling each side, supported by surveillance droids. If they don’t know we’re here we should get in easily enough,” Poe reported once they met up again. “If they do we’re dead. There is no cover on the compound.”

“That’s why we’re waiting till it’s full dark.” Kylo crouched next to him, one arm slung over Poe’s shoulder. His fingers were absently stroking Poe’s forearm. “I can’t sense any alarm or heightened urgency, and I overheard two Stormtroopers discussing regular communication problems. They couldn’t agree if it’s atmospheric disturbance or the magnetic field,” here Kylo sounded exasperated, “but if the patrol doesn’t respond it should be blamed on a malfunction.”

Poe hummed thoughtfully. “Doesn’t this all sound too good to be true? The last time one of my missions went so smoothly _you_ arrived with an army of bucketheads.”

Kylo flashed him a smirk that was pure Han Solo. It was always kind of creepy when he did that. “But I’m here already, aren’t I?”

It was Poe’s turn to shoot him a withering glare.

They withdrew further into the woods to wait for the cover of darkness. And so, yes, they kissed, and Poe did end up pinned against a tree at some point, Kylo’s fingers tugging deliciously at his hair while his lover ground against him and plundered his mouth. By the time Kylo sank to his knees before him all of Poe’s misgivings were forgotten.

There was sweet bliss found in Kylo’s mouth engulfing him, and maybe he delighted in the frantic edge that laced Kylo’s need today. Maybe there was something dark within Poe himself which was thrilled to see the proud, dangerous Knight of Ren kneeling in the dirt for him while he let Poe sweetly fuck his mouth. But if there was, then it hardly mattered in the face of Kylo pulling him down and kissing him like a drowning man, until all that was between them were solemn vows of love and the absolute certainty in his heart that _he is the one for me_.

Poe’s cheeks were still flushed when they met up with BB-8.

They worked well together, Kylo using hand-to-hand skills and the Force since his lightsaber’s green glow would be like a beacon, while Poe relied mostly on his blaster. They moved in tandem, never getting into the other’s way, a mere glance enough to know what the other was planning.

Once BB-8 had put the security cameras near the southern gate on a feedback loop, Kylo and Poe disposed of the guards efficiently, nary a sound to be heard over the idyllic noises of the jungle at night.

“I could have Force tricked them to let us pass,” Kylo whispered as he dropped the last of the guards out of sight.

“Not all five of them at once.” Poe’s gaze lingered on the helmeted face, thoughts going to Finn for a moment. It wasn’t so easy anymore to kill Stormtroopers since he was best friends with a former one, and knew them to be normal people rather than faceless villains. But every enemy they spared now would be one more to fight during their escape. “It doesn’t matter if they learn we’re here, just as long as we get to the computer core before they can wipe it.” He dropped some leafy branches on top of the Stormtroopers and looked at Kylo. “We’ll be fighting our way out anyway.”

When you were with Kylo, or even with Ben, you _always_ fought your way out of trouble.

It was one of the first lessons Poe had learned about adventuring with the Solo clan: they were incapable of avoiding worst-case scenarios.

 

+++

 

The compound was a scattering of uniform low buildings, with the research center in the middle dominating its surroundings. In theory, it should have been easy to get there, as long as they could avoid the patrols, the droids and the spotlights.

They did not, in fact, make it inside before they were discovered.

“Are you sure you can’t download the data from here?” Poe yelled to BB-8, pinned as he was between the windowless walls of the research center and the abandoned transport which was his only cover. Kylo was throwing back Stormtroopers with telekinetic shoves, sending them hurtling into walls and transports with such force their armor cracked, and they didn’t get up again.

It was almost hopeless, but BB-8 had access to a data port, and that was all that mattered.

Frantic bleeping told Poe no, it couldn’t, but it was overloading their generators from afar and…

“What do you mean there are prisoners?!”

Poe’s trigger finger stilled for a moment, there were shouts from the Stormtroopers who must have thought they’d taken him out. A powerful blast threw them back just as they tried to advance, eliciting a shout of, “the Jedi’s still alive!”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Kylo growled, “and the answer’s no. We’re not here to rescue the test specimens, and we didn’t bring a shuttle.”

He went back to firing, repetitive, but deadly in his accuracy. Aim, fire, repeat. Poe liked it. It was simple. There was no doubt while you were fighting, the doubts didn’t start till it was over. “ _They_ have ships.”

“And abandon Black One?” Kylo scoffed. His voice was tight; Poe didn’t need to look at him to read his tension. It had to be frustrating to be flinging people around when he was chafing to use his lightsaber. But like it or not, he remained glued to Poe’s side. “Like you’d ever do that.”

This time, Poe had to gape at him. “You think I’d choose my X-Wing over innocent lives?” He shook his head harshly. “No, wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to shoot you when I ought to be shooting troopers.”

BB-8 put an end to their quarrel before it could begin. The First Order, at least, seemed to think it was a rescue mission. They’re trying to flood the prison block with the very neurotoxins they were researching, and BB-8 didn’t know how long it could lock them out.

Poe stood up abruptly. Kylo’s eyes met his, and he nodded.

His lightsaber cut a neat rectangular hole into the wall.

They were running through long, uniform corridors then, the pounding of their boots almost drowned out by BB-8’s frantic beeping that held barely any directions, and mostly just pleading with them to hurry, hurry, it didn’t know how long its blocks would hold.

Claxons blared, blinking red alarms painted ominous shadows on the walls. It was dim in the corridors, the backup generator provided just enough power for emergency lights.

Over the claxons you didn’t hear the pounding boots of the Stormtroopers till they were almost upon you.

Kylo’s new green Jedi blade lit up. It cut through the troopers in their way with ruthless efficiency. Poe’s pace barely slowed. He felt no doubt.

 _Hurry, hurry_ , BB-8 cried.

Kylo’s blade hissed death, and there was nobody Poe would have rather had by his side.

To be continued…


	3. We’re Mouth to Mouth and Still I Suffocate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of battle, Poe feels like he's drowning.

“You still use the Dark Side.”

“Were you expecting me to stop?” Kylo didn’t look chagrined. At best, he looked bored. Poe knew him better than that, but he didn’t have any strength left to be compassionate.

Poe hugged himself in a feeble attempt to chase off his sudden chill. It had nothing to do with the warm rain steadily soaking him.

Kylo looked wounded for a moment, before he covered it up with a scowl. “You can fret at me later. We’re on a schedule.”

Poe gazed back towards the liberated prisoners, they huddled together on the tarmac near a medium-sized First Order freighter. The healthier ones, still carrying blasters, stood guard over the frail ones, though there was nobody left to protect them from. They hadn’t wanted to board the ship yet, though they too were getting soaked. The former prisoners, human and Twi’lek and Wookiee alike, seemed downright invigorated by the first droplets of water touching their gaunt faces in months, or years in some cases.

“I still don’t like leaving them alone,” Poe grumbled, though it was little more than a token complaint. They had a lightly armed freighter, but no TIEs, and they were deep in First Order space. They needed their X-Wings to make it home. He chose to ignore the niggling suspicion at the back of his mind that he mostly just wanted to get Kylo away from the civilians.

Kylo’s sigh was distinctly irritable, and tension was rapidly returning to his body language. He winced when a sudden movement tore at the bacta-covered wound on his shoulder. “You’ve discussed it with them. Twice. The technicians need time to remove the trackers, the pilot needs to familiarize herself with the craft. BB-8 stays behind to help. We grab a speeder bike and are back before they’re ready for lift off. If,” and here he gritted his teeth, “you stop wasting everybody’s time.”

Poe looked up to meet his eyes, and he hated how vulnerable, hurt even he had to look to Kylo in that moment. “Forgive me,” he choked out, “I’m still trying to come to terms with you committing a massacre.”

_In Poe’s memory, Kylo’s green blade blurred to red._

_It had been raining, like on Jakku._

_Kylo’s blade cut through white armor like it was no obstacle at all; there was a chilling beauty to the berserker madness that held him in its grip. He was bleeding freely, but didn’t seem to feel it. Kylo might as well have been dancing._

There was no compassion in Kylo’s eyes, not even a hint of understanding. Just this darkness that choked Poe when he was merely looking at it. “You killed more people than I ever did when you blew up Starkiller.”

_“No!” Poe threw himself between Kylo and the group of cowering Stormtroopers, shoving hard against his chest to push him away from the three young men with stricken faces and too much white in their eyes. “It’s over, Kylo, it’s over! They’ve surrendered!”_

_Kylo snarled at him, and thrust forward his hand. One of the Stormtroopers rose into the air, he scratched fruitlessly at his throat. “I don’t care!”_

Poe swallowed against the lump in his throat. “But I didn’t like it.”

 

+++

 

Their ride on the speeder bike felt claustrophobic. He didn’t want to be holding on to Kylo, or to sit with his chest pressed against his back.

There had been plenty of bikes, but it was still full dark. Poe wouldn’t have been able to navigate the jungle at the speed Kylo did.

“I’m sorry. I wish you hadn’t witnessed that.”

Poe almost didn’t hear it, and wasn’t sure if he’d made it up. “Does Luke know?”

“He knows I can control it.”

Somehow, Poe doubted Luke saw it as such. Far more likely he worried that pushing Kylo too far, too fast would send him running back to Snoke. Everybody seemed to worry he would go back. Poe alone wasn’t worried at all. He understood how much Snoke had stolen from Kylo, from _them_ , and the full depth of Kylo’s hatred for him.

However, they forgot that being Dark and following Snoke could be two altogether unrelated things.

Poe tightened his hold on Kylo, he buried his face against the back of his lover’s neck. “I knew you are still Dark, I just didn’t want to see it.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but Kylo had the Force and maybe he plucked his thoughts out of his mind half the time anyway. “I could feel it. I remember what you were like before, and how you changed…” He gulped. “I’ve loved a Darksider before, though I didn’t know it at the time. I…”

He wanted to say it didn’t matter. That it changed nothing. The words remained stuck in his throat.

“I’m sorry.” Mostly just sorry that he couldn’t say it didn’t matter, and mean it.

They made it onto the clearing, Kylo braked sharply, veering the speeder sideways to come to a stop just short of crashing into his camouflaged ship. He had inherited his father’s love for breakneck piloting, but Poe never complained. After all, he was no better.

They should be getting into their fighters, but a glance at his chrono told Poe they had made good time, and Kylo seemed to have come to the same conclusion, for he turned towards Poe instead.

Poe’s gaze was cautious as he met his lover’s eyes. He didn’t flinch when Kylo’s large hands framed his face, but he couldn’t ignore the blood on his hands any longer.

“Poe,” he said quietly, his voice pitched low. Earnest. Hypnotic. He didn’t need the Force to claw his way into people’s heads. Or maybe that was just Poe. “I never promised you I could return to the Light for you.”

He hadn’t, and that was the worst part of it. Poe didn’t have anyone but himself to blame.

“You could try not having quite so much fun killing people.”

Irritation flared up on Kylo’s face, that sharp temper everybody on base had come to be wary of. He hadn’t hurt anyone yet, but there had been close calls. Poe knew that nobody was more terrified of his temper than Kylo himself. “I could try that, yes.”

Poe got onto his tiptoes and Kylo obediently crouched down, they pressed their foreheads together. Their breath mingled. “I love you,” he whispered. “And that won’t change. All these years couldn’t change my love for you. But I don’t know if I can be with you if you’re like that.” His arms tightened around Kylo’s neck, and yes he was aware of the irony of clinging to him while he spoke of leaving him. “I can’t do it, Kylo. I feel like I’m drowning… I don’t want to lose myself.”

There were few things Poe Dameron knew for sure, but he knew that he was fighting the good fight. He knew he was a good man, or as close to it as anyone in his position could get.

He wasn’t sure if you could still call yourself a good man if you loved someone who wasn’t.

“You promised!” Kylo growled even as he tore himself out of Poe’s arms, and there it was, that fire, the madness in his eyes that had burned bright earlier tonight. “You can’t leave me; I won’t permit it!”

Poe raised his head higher. He didn’t budge, didn’t flinch. “And I won’t permit you to make my decisions for me.”

Kylo’s hand was half raised, it trembled. Poe couldn’t say if he was trying to go for his lightsaber or for telekinesis. A mind trick maybe? His hand dropped, and the man crumbled.

Poe’s own anger faded as quickly as it had flared. He crouched in front of Kylo and ran his fingers through his thick, dark hair. “I won’t leave you, sweetheart,” he vowed as he leaned in close, and pressed a kiss to the top of Kylo’s head. His hair was still as silky and soft as it had been all these years ago. “But I need you to get better, not worse.”

The pitiful sounds Kylo made sounded a lot like choked sobs, but the man who had returned to him didn’t want Poe to see him cry, so he pretended not to notice.

He looked at Kylo Ren in Ben Solo’s Jedi robes, and wondered if they would ever be okay with the man he had become.

He didn’t know if he could. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be okay with it.

Poe pressed another kiss to the top of his head, and another, until Kylo raised his tear-streaked face, and then Poe kissed that, too. Kissed his eyelids, his nose, his blotchy pale cheeks and his frowning mouth. “Let’s get you home.”

Kylo nodded. “I can fly. Just give me a moment.”

He didn’t want to leave Kylo alone, but he had different coping mechanisms than Poe, and had conditioned himself to deal with anguish on his own. Poe was still adjusting to that. Ben had been shy to seek his comfort, but never loathe to accept it.

“Okay. Tell me when you’re ready.” A last kiss to the corner of his mouth and he stood up, walked away to prep their X-Wings.

He hated himself a little bit for walking away.

Once they were in the air it was as if nothing had happened. Kylo sounded confident on the comm, firing off orders at the shuttle pilot till Poe teasingly reminded him that he was the flight Commander, and Kylo the Jedi Knight. It didn’t deter Kylo, just earned Poe a snarky, “I’ll be speaking to the General about that,” and then he went right back to squabbling with BB-8.

Kylo still wore his mask as well as ever.

Poe tried very hard not to wonder if the face he showed him was just another layer to that mask.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kudos and comments!
> 
> I'll be busy this month with BenPoe Prompt-a-thon fic, but see you soon with the third part of this series!
> 
> Our boys have still got their fair share of issues to work through, and I'd like to write at least a drabble from Kylo's POV. Give readers the chance to get his side of the story.


End file.
